Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.