Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You Might Also Like
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”