Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad