Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.