I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”