[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker