As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Damn he played himself
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”