people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
You’ll be OK
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.