Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex