Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection