You Might Also Like
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.