Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
me and my fake scenarios
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together