TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I am patiently waiting for your email
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot