When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.