[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!