That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!