My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no