[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
…żyje?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.