Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Who did it better?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Why are bridges so flammable.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend