Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.