[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
when someone rings the doorbell
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper