Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
August 8
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
They’re really bad with fonts.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.