@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
You Might Also Like
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Smile they said.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.