[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.