MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You Might Also Like
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
#Caturday
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.