Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still