1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.