STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?