I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.