Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.