God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”