Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*