Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.