SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
You Might Also Like
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?