Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.