[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL