[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.