“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.