Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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