My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
You Might Also Like
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze