[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Inside you there are two wolves
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.