M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.