I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”