Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
mom had nothing to worry about
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Strange
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.