WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?