Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
me refusing to leave twitter
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess