He is just living hist best little life 😊
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
📽️movie date🎞️
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours