Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
You Might Also Like
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁