The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….