Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.